Damien was never lucky in love. At least that's what he believed. Stuck in a a loveless marriage he lived his days in monotony; each day starting and ending the same. He woke up after his wife had already left. He went to his own job and then came home and closed himself off in a different part of the house.
By happenstance one night, he got into a conversation with someone on a website called Reddit, of all places. Not usually one for chatting with random people, Damien found himself enjoying this conversation and was disappointed when bedtime came around. Promising to reach out again the next day, Damien logged off and once again entered into his daily cycle of existing.
But evening came by again and Damien, safely sequestered away in his room, logged in again to find his new friend there waiting for him. They chatted more about various topics; Damien pleasantly surprised to see they had common interests. He also learned that he was talking to a girl and she lived across the country from him.
Enthralled with a new stimulating activity, Damien found himself actually looking forward to something for once -- his evenings. Armed with a new internet friendship, Damien rediscovered some of his long forgotten social skills and began enjoying his nights. He was still stuck in a daytime nightmare, but at least now there was something to give him a reason to wake up from it. Something to engage his mind and make him feel like more than just a husk of a man.
It continued this way for a couple months. At some point, Damien confided in his new friend (whom he learned was named Clare) the details of his marriage and subsequently his feelings on it. How he longed for happiness, how he didn't understand why he was always being yelled at, how hard he tried to become a valued member of his inlaw's family. The floodgates had opened at that point, with Damien unleashing a torrent of emotion nearly a decade in the making. Clare understood and empathized with Damien, never once trying to influence Damien's choices or actions. Simply listening to him like a friend should.
Damien found comfort in this and was greatly appreciative of Clare's willingness to sit and hear his tale. Not wanting the friendship to be completely lopsided, Damien asked more questions of his friend, keen on learning about her life and hoping to be just as good of friend as she was being. He learned a great deal. She was originally from France and had moved with her family to the US at the tender age of eleven. She struggled initially, placed into a new school environment with children who's language she didn't speak. Clare didn't have a lot of friends for most of her academic tenure. However, she had found a new lease on life after graduation; finding friends that didn't mind her heavy accent or needing to repeat words again. She confessed to being happy that they had found each other online, as she spent most of her days just at home cleaning the house and performing other duties to help out her mother.
Damien was impressed by this, not having known many recent graduates to be that motivated to help their family. Maybe that was why Clare was so empathetic? She understood the needs of others and did what she could to see to them. A rare trait at any age, but nearly unheard of in someone so young as Clare.
At some point Damien began to get the courage to end his marriage. Emboldened by Clare's confidence that he was worth more than the sum of his life now, Damien did the one thing he vowed never to do. The one thing that he knew would leave an ugly scar on his life, but he saw no other alternative. He became divorced. A word he hated. An idea he hated. And now, an act he hated.
But now Damien felt a flood of new emotions. Relief. Guilt. Shame. Confidence. And strangely, a tingling sensation of happiness just at the periphery of his heart. Clare was there for him the entire time, still never influencing his decisions, but acting as a sounding board for them. An impartial observer into Damien's life and an ear to listen to all he had to say.
More time passed and Damien rediscovered who he was and all that he was capable of. It was difficult at first. Suddenly being alone all the time. His house felt empty and were it not for his dog, a stalwart companion, the house would have been empty. But, no matter how empty his days were or no matter how joyous his new discoveries were, he still had his evenings with Clare. Like clockwork they talked every evening without fail. Only missing a single occasion on the night of the birth of Clare's nephew as Clare was at the hospital with her sister and family.
It was around this time that Clare confessed she had some feelings for Damien. Whether it was spurred on by the familiar joy of an infant child, or something that had been burgeoning for awhile, Damien would never know. And he didn't care either. These feelings were another point of commonality between them. Damien would have never mentioned it to Clare, however. Too disgusted at the thought of being divorced to have let her know that he liked her. But Clare opened that door and Damien gladly followed.
They spent the next months continuing to talk nightly. Damien busy with his work during the day and Clare with her house duties along with babysitting detail. But the nights were for them. They talked of everything. Thoughts on how a family should operate, thoughts on love and life, politics, friends they had, activities and hobbies, and all the topics in between. They discovered that they shared more in common than they ever realized, and throughout they grew closer and closer. Damien began to seriously think he had found the perfect girl for him. After years of depression, he felt he was finally being rewarded. Consequently, he fell madly in love with Clare and they began to talk about what a life together might look like. They lived so far apart, how could it work? But they made plans anyway and the logistics of a long distance relationship fell into place like the best laid plans. Damien had never been happier, at least not that he could remember. He frequently described himself as 'Damien 2.0' to Clare, she had helped remake him into something special.
Damien even had the opportunity, thanks to a friend, to visit France and see a little glimpse of what it was like to live there. He felt like he was walking in Clare's shoes. Learning the culture, the food, and the way of life enjoyed by millions on the other side of the world. It was a rather transformative experience for Damien; his first time abroad. All the more special because of the connection he felt with Clare. Damien returned home happy. With a new understanding of Clare and a great debt owed to his friend for the journey.
But not everything was perfect for Damien. He had an eye for detail; a talent developed over three decades of life and a keen interest in how things worked. Damien's greatest skill was his ability to disassemble anything in his mind, to see its inner workings without ever having laid eyes on its internals. This applied to both physical items, but to the intangible as well. Over the course of their friendship-turned-love-interest, Damien had noticed a few discrepancies with the things he saw in pictures Clare sent and the things she told him. He always chalked it up to life being different for Clare than it was for him.
Over time, these details started to pile up and Damien began having a hard time reconciling what he saw with what he heard from Clare. His curiosity getting the better of him, he took a closer look at the pictures and videos Clare had sent him in the past. Damien looked over each item in turn with new, analytical eyes. Zooming in on backgrounds to try to glean any information he may have previously missed -- or worse, dismissed. Much to his dismay, he found much he didn't recognize. The naive part of him wanted him to ignore it, to assume it was something other than what it appeared to be. But the logical side of him would not let go of these discoveries. And so, he took to the internet; spending hours at a time looking through Google Streetview of the city Clare claimed to live in. He combed through veritable mountains of data, hoping to find a landmark, something, anything that would tie these images to the city in which he scoured.
But, fate had other ideas. Damien could not find anything in the photos Clare sent that would tie her to the US. No, everything Damien found pointed towards Europe. It was in the last photo he investigated that the truth finally revealed itself. A selfie of Clare before she was going to head out for soccer practice. There, in the background but a few inches from the floor, Damien found what he didn't want to see: a European style power outlet.
Damien was at a loss for words. This meant that everything Clare had told him was a lie, right? He could see no other alternative. But Clare always said she lived in a town on the western seaboard of the US. She was very descriptive about it. However, the facts didn't care what Damien felt or what Clare said. In a final attempt to disprove the revelation, Damien began another Google search to see if Euro style outlets could be used in the US. After all, if she moved a few years ago it stands to reason that she had electronics brought with her from across the pond. But no, European outlets ran at a different voltage and amperage. What's more, they ran at a completely different phase of power. Utterly incompatible with the US power grid. Nothing short of a very expensive and probably non-code conforming home electrical setup would explain the outlet. Clare was in Europe. Probably France.
Devastated, Damien confronted Clare with the facts he found when they chatted that night. He saw the dots on the screen that said Clare had read his message and he waited for her reply. Maybe there was an honest reason for the deception. Damien was willing to believe anything as long as it meant he could have his love; that the feelings he felt for her were real. But Clare didn't respond. Damien waited and waited until the wee hours of the morning, hoping to see an indication that Clare was still there. But she had gone silent, leaving Damien alone with his thoughts.
A couple days passed by and still no word from Clare. But Damien was always there, always logged in at their usual time of conversation. Waiting, worrying.
Finally, three days later, Clare responded to his hails. She needed time to think, she said. And so she had, and was ready to explain things. Clare began to type as Damien waited with baited breath. Clare admitted that everything Damien suspected was true. Yes, she was living in France. Yes, she had been there the whole time. Yes, his evening chat sessions were early morning chat sessions for her. Clare said that it was true that she had moved to the US when she was eleven, but only for a year or two before returning to France. Her mother was French and her dad American. Her mother didn't like living in the US and so they returned to her home of origin. She claimed that she always told people online that she was from the US because she never wanted to feel alienated again like she did when she was in school in America.
Damien asked why she had lied to him for so long. He wouldn't have cared if she was halfway across the country or halfway across the world. Clare said that she didn't expect to catch feelings for Damien, and when she did, she was so far into the lie that she didn't know how to get out and thus she continued festering it.
Damien typed the hardest sentence he had ever written. His fingers trembled, hovering over the enter key. Finally relenting, he sent the message: "Is any of this real?".
Clare immediately replied with an astounding and echoing "YES!". She confessed that everything she felt for Damien was real, if not her location. She said she purposely got up at six each morning just to talk to him and that she hated lying but feared that she would lose him if the truth came out. Damien felt an immense wave of relief. If they could get past this, then they could conquer anything together. Armed with his new knowledge, Damien suggested a new time for them to talk that allowed for Clare to get more sleep and she agreed.
They continued talking for another month before Damien asked if he could have Clare's number now. So they could get off Reddit and start working towards the future they talked about. He was excited, thinking this is when things finally become real.
But Clare declined. Saying it wasn't the right time and Damien would have to wait. He didn't understand. Not giving her phone number made sense if she was hiding where she lived. The country code alone would give it away. But he knew about all of that now, so why not? But Clare said the time would come soon and Damien would understand.
And so they kept talking. Damien about his new job at his friend's office, Clare about her new friend from soccer. She began to spend a lot of time with this friend, Elena. Damien was happy for her, knowing that she had struggled finding true friends in the past. It was nice to see her getting along with someone so well. Equally so, Clare was excited about Damien's job. It meant stability and security for their planned future together. A few weeks past before the seeds of doubt started to grow again in Damien's mind.
Never having lost his analytical skills, his subconscious was constantly poking his waking mind with information that Damien elected to ignore. Until such a time as it was all Damien could thing of. Torn between the need for the truth and his need for love, Damien languished for days in uncertainty. Finally, his rational mind won the battle that raged in his head. After all, if his love wasn't real, then it wasn't love at all -- regardless of how Damien yearned for it.
He decided to again confront Clare. He had made so many life altering changes for her. Changes for the better, to be sure, but changes none the less spurred by his love for her. He had to know and he was prepared to travel across the world to make it official and to make it real.
He told Clare his plans to fly over to France and meet with her. At a coffee shop if she wanted, so their initial meeting would be less awkward. He volunteered to meet her parents and allow them to interrogate him, to make sure he was good enough for their daughter. He explained all this to Clare with high hopes that she would realize and appreciate his sincerity as well as his love for her. Because to Damien, love was a drug more addicting than any man made substance in existence. He was drunk on it and wanted nothing more than to hold it in his hands. Tangible proof that his dreams were real. That all he suffered for meant something and all he had become was a worthwhile endeavor.
He waited patiently for Clare's reply and it came: "No, not yet. And I don't know when. Why can't you just be ok with talking?"
Realization broke into Damien's reality like a freight train; shattering his heart with the cold awareness that none of this was real. Everything he worked for in this relationship and the relationship itself were nothing but a fantasy. A lie. A vicious lie perpetrated by the one who claimed to love him. Fragments of his heart hit the floor and in his mind, he saw them as puzzle pieces clicking together. Everything Clare had told him was a lie. Sure, he had found out some of the truth. But like an iceberg, there was so much more waiting just beneath the tranquil surface.
He realized with a sudden clarity that Clare was not even single. The vacations she had told him that took place with her and her father were romantic getaways with a boyfriend. Clare had made sure not to include her dad in any of the photos sent during these vacations, telling Damien that she wanted to show him the scenery instead. And her friend, Elena, from soccer? A clever phantasm she crafted to hide her time spent with her boyfriend under the guise of an innocent friendship.
Damien told her what he suspected. Everything. The boyfriend, the fake friend, the vacations she took. He painted the picture of the truth that was laid out in front of him. He wanted to know why. Why had Clare done this? Why lie about everything. And the most important question of all: Why lie about being in love with him when she was with someone else? How could she do this? Who could be this cruel to lead someone on such a journey with this as its end? Clare didn't want money from Damien. She had never asked for it. What purpose could there possibly be in this ten month facade?
Damien had know. If he was destined to never be with Clare, then he had to know why she would betray him in such a manner. He waited for her answer. He demanded the final truth from Clare.
Clare responded in a way that Damien could have never predicted. He spent months getting to know this girl, sharing their deepest secrets together. He knew her. Or maybe he never did at all. Because Damien never expected this final betrayal.
To answer for the lies, the sweet nothings, the turmoil that raged inside Damien at this very moment, Clare gave the ultimate finality. She blocked him.
Damien watched the screen. Suddenly, his chat bar grayed out, and the messages he had exchanged with Clare erased like so much ash from a log. Her username disappeared and Damien was left alone. Clare snapped away from his world like she never existed at all. His only way of contacting her, revoked without remorse by the one he had loved so deeply
He sat there for what seemed like hours staring at the screen, not moving a muscle as the tears streamed down his face. He didn't care that he wasted nearly a year on this girl. He didn't care about anything at that point. Numb to reality he sat there, a if a sentinel waiting for a courier that would never come.
Finally, left with no other options Damien wept. He wept for what he had lost. He wept for the love he had felt that was torn away from him in such a violent way. He wept for his life, such as it was. He wept because he had freed himself from a terrible marriage only to meet a much crueler fate. He wept, because for the first time in his life, he felt truly alone. His home and possessions now silent monuments to his misery. He had given everything he had to Clare. Offered up the deepest parts of himself on her alter freely on the promises of love and a life together. He continued to weep. For the children they planned to have. For the family he would have attained. For everything he had ever wanted. For however successful he had been in life, he lost the one thing he could never buy.
Days turned into weeks as Damien returned to his previous cycle of life. Getting up, going to work, and coming home to lock himself away from no one in particular. He spent his free time trying to understand why Clare had lied to him about everything. He spent hours following an idea down its course only to be met with dead end after dead end. There was no explanation that he could rationalize. There was no solace for his grief. There was no hope for his life.
Damien took a long look around his house one night. Lingering in each room for several minutes. Looking for something, anything, to give him hope for his future. But his gaze was returned only by the lifeless stare of material goods. He sighed and finding nothing tethering him to this world any longer, he trudged downstairs. At the end of the staircase, waiting for him like a steel shepherd, was his gun safe. He slowly turned the combination wheel, its clicks echoing throughout his quiet house, until finally yielding its deadly treasure. He swung the door open, revealing his weaponry in all its cold glory. Choosing a pistol, he loaded one round in the magazine before closing the safe, his final time doing so. He headed upstairs and wrote a short note before placing it on an envelope and setting it on his bed.
Then, as a man with all the time in the world and none of it, he slowly sat down on the bed and looked at his gun. It's smooth furnishings glinted with reflected light. A prized possession of his, but as unfeeling and uncaring as he currently felt. An appropriate mirror of the final moments of his life.
And then, with all the fanfare of an apathetic homecoming, Damien raised the pistol to his head, closed his eyes, and left the world.
The gunshot's report echoing throughout his quiet neighborhood; a defiant, final roar to announce the end of Damien's tortured and tumultuous life. Heard by a single neighbor, who called the police. They arrived and knocked on the door for several minutes before it came crashing down with a kick. Rushing into his house, their own weapons drawn in the irony of safety, they searched the house before finding Damien in his room. The wall behind Damien painted a vivid red. His life force splattered like a spilled drink. The called paramedics and began performing life saving duties until the medics arrived, but there was no life to save. Damien was gone, his final thoughts immortalized on the paper that lay on his bed.
The police took the envelope and opened it. Just two short sentences serving as the culmination of Damien's life and the reason for his exit: "It was real for me. Please tell Clare Allard in France that it was all real for me.".
Authorities reached out to their French counterparts, determined to find and contact this Clare Allard so as that she might shed some light on the darkness surrounding Damien's last days. But the French government had no record of this Clare Allard. No one by that name lived in the city or surrounding areas where she confessed to being from.
And thus the final betrayal of Damian was revealed after his death. Not only was everything Clare had told him a lie, not only was his love not returned, but Clare had never existed at all. A name as fake as the web of love she wove for Damien. A nihilistic denouement to their year long saga.
Deeply saddened by his sudden loss, Damien's friends took it upon themselves to succeed where the French authorities had failed. Determined to discover the true identity of this woman in hopes of some sort of vengeance for the life that had been lost.
But they never found who she really was. A ghost in the machine of the internet. A faceless girl among billions on the planet.
And Clare, like Damien's hopes and dreams, faded away into obscurity. As if neither had ever existed at all.